If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
