you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
