dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Randomize
