just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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