New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
