i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Will exercising make me less horny?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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