Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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