dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I wish there were birth control emojis
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
is that a dick in a sweater?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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