Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
