Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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