Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
