Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just threw up on my dentist
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
