I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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