you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My ass is underappreciated
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
