I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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