Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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