Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
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Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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