Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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