my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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