12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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