I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
