I just pynch a tree in the face
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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