just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
