I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
