Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
