Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
