The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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