Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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