this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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