he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
