I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
