I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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