ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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