WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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