Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
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