and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize