I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
