Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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