I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
