yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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