Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
