I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
