dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
In other news, I just burned my penis
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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