Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
