There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
