You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
