he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I wish there were birth control emojis
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
