There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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