Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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