his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
