clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
