he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
