Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Green mimosas i think yes
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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