come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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